Where can I begin? In retrospect I have absolutely zero idea why I thought volunteering to review this movie was a good idea. I never read the book, nor had any interest. But some fault lies on me. It was my decision to see 50 Shades of Grey not only on its opening weekend but on Valentine’s Day. The theater was packed with a combination of couples and large groups of single women (I’m supposing they were single, their boyfriends or husbands may have just had spines). The men halves of the couples showed reluctance and embarrassment and kept their eyes to the floor when entering the theater. I, however, am sitting in this theater, alone, with an extra-gigantic Pepsi and a humongous popcorn. I did not feel like a normal person to say the least.

50 Shades of Grey is a film adaptation of the wildly successful erotic novel from 2011. It centers on a plain-Jane, narcissistic, good girl that is typical of this genre. In this case her name is Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson). Get it? Steele? Steel is often gray… there’s plenty more wordplay where that came from. Anyway, this young, innocent, quiet, bookish girl winds up having to interview a handsome, young, billionaire. Yes, he is a billionaire because a millionaire wouldn’t have been sufficient. His name is Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia is very intimidated by his presence. She feels like she’ll never be good enough to be with him and is entirely insecure. Riveting.

One night Anastasia calls Christian while she is drunk and, hero that he is, he decides to come help her. Help her with what exactly? Help her have sex with him. So at this point of the film I’m completely disconnected from any of the characters. I’m feeling like whatever fate befalls these two is a deserved one. Or maybe it is the acting that is frustrating me. It’s like they aren’t even trying. I have never heard of the main actress, but she made a story about rampant sex boring somehow. All the actors, even the bit parts are models and should have stuck to that career only.

We find out that sexy, impossibly rich Mr. Grey has some kinks of his own. He enjoys beating the daylights out of his sexual partners. To each his own, I suppose, but if you only had superficial knowledge of this book series like I did, I think it’s important to know this. The books your girlfriend are reading and the movie she is dying to see on Valentine’s Day is about Bondage & Discipline/Sadism & Masochism. That’s right. And you thought your internet search history was dirty…

I understand that the film is not supposed to be some deep masterwork. I have often heard the 50 Shades Trilogy defined as porn for women. And that is perfectly fine and acceptable. A particularly strong argument for the validity of this series is that men are visually based and women are imagination based when it comes to sexuality. Therefore, the popularity of these books draw attention to an often unaddressed niche of our modern day. If this observation is true about this difference between men and women it seems clear that a film is a bad idea from the start. Guys, there is absolutely nothing for you in the film itself. Going to the theater to see this with your significant other may have some intrinsic benefits, though. But one of those benefits will not be the two hours plus this movie runs over.

See this movie, don’t see this movie, I don’t care. If you can find something enjoyable in this picture then you and I are on such different wavelengths there would be no reason for you to take my opinion as having any weight. I must warn though; if you are a guy and go to see this movie alone, prepare to feel like a creep and prepare to be spotted by most the women in your town because this is where they will likely be.

Disclaimer: This review is based entirely on assumptions and details are fabricated.